


Unbiased History of Konoha

by Divediveburners



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto, Unbiased History of Rome
Genre: Ancient Rome, F/M, History Jokes, Parody, Roma | Rome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26985388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Divediveburners/pseuds/Divediveburners
Summary: There once was a dream ... a dream called Konoha. Join us, on a completely unbiased* journey through history on one of the greatest ninja civilizations in the world, and the barbarians, traitors, and plebs that stand against them.*by that, I mean super-mega-ultra biased and inaccurate. Rated Mature for offensive humor and language.
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Senju Hashirama & Uzumaki Mito
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Unbiased History of Rome](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/699919) by Dovahhatty. 



> Hello my plebs. I've essentially committed PLAGVRVS*MAXIMVS by basing this off of Dovahhatty's objective, detailed, and accurate history series, "The Unbiased History of Rome". You can tell it's unbiased because it has the word in the title. I'm definitely reusing and recycling many of the jokes from that series, including a lot of the blatant latinizing, for Konoha, even though Naruto is based in Japanese, not Latin. Too bad, the Japanese call it ROMAnji for a reason.  
> Considering this, for those that don't know Dovahhatty's series, there's a lot of racy humor to be found. Mr. Hatty possesses an offensive, blunt, /pol style of telling jokes. Coincidentally, I rather enjoy this style, and have attempted to replicate it in this tale. I understand anyone who may be turned off by this particular brand of dark humor, but let us agree to simply go our separate ways, instead of trying to forcefully change one another. It is a mistake "to compel others to believe and live as we do" as Marcus Tullius Cicero has written.

**Chapter 1: Konoha “Mythology”**

There once was a dream, a dream to purge this ninja world of the barbarity that infested it. But, before we begin, we must go to before the beginning.

The world was in a dark age. Barbarian clans infested the land, shitting and raping each other from sunset to sundown, only to retreat to their mudhuts to get some rest.

From beyond the heavens, a divine messenger arrived. KAGVVA, the “Rabbit Goddess”. It was her who introduced the foundations of civilization itself, CHAKRA. With it, she attempted to civilize the barbarians by teaching them how to utilize such a divine gift.

But, being the micro brains they were, the barbarians simply saw it as another tool to fuel their countless wars against each other. Such was the filth before her, that even the messenger herself was corrupted, ruling just as tyrannically as the barbarian rulers that surrounded her.

Luckily, where she failed, He succeeded. While spending time as Earth’s divine civilizer, Kaguya gave birth to two sons, HAGOROMA (emphasis on the ROMA part), and HOMVRA. It was Hagoromo who inherited the majority of his mother’s divine strength, but, of course, not being a woman, he was able to better resist barbaric corruption. His brother, Homura was …. there …. but he’s not really relevant, not now at least.

So while Kaguya was being the ultimate Karen and micromanaging everybody’s lives with the INFINATE*TSVKVVIOMI, Hagoromo locked himself away, and began to autisitcally study his mother’s technique.

Eventually, with the help from his irrelevant brother, Hagoromo was able to free the people of the world, ending his mother’s tyranny forever. Good riddance.

Now, with the world in the palm of his hands, Hagoromo rejected the temptation to fill the power vacuum, instead seeking to civilize the world in a more humble way. In his infinite wisdom, Hagoromo gave the plebs a code to harness and control their Chakra, as well as a religion to banish away apathy and nihilism. The Ninja Creed, NINSHV, was born.

With this new, civilizing faith, Ninshu began calming the barbarian clans, giving birth to the first seeds of advanced societies. For bringing such a glorious light into the world, Hagoromo was given the illustrious title, SAGE*OF*SEX*PATHS.

As the sage, Hagoromo built the world in his image, not through barbaric brute force, but through cooperation and charisma. It helped that he had such divine strength to back him up. If the plebs needed any more convincing, he was willing to perform miracles, like the one time he made the moon.

While the world was experiencing a period of unprecedented peace and prosperity, the Sage of Six Paths settled down with a mortal woman, and produced two sons. The lesson to be learned here, my pleb, is that greatness isn’t always inherited.

At least, inheritance didn’t work out in the best ways. His elder son, INDRA, possessed his father’s divine power, but lacked his divine will. He became an emo, anti-social asshole, bent on the complete control of anyone around him, like Kaguya before. The younger brother, ASVRA, however, was incredibly promising, despite a lack of divine power.

Like his father, Asura wished to continue to civilize the world with Ninshu, bringing society to greater heights. Though lacking in fancy pants techniques, Asura nonetheless possessed unequaled charisma, beauty, and a strong work ethic. A true CHADDVS*MAXIMVS to the very end.

Naturally, Asura was the right choice for succession. But, resentment brings out the worst in all, especially those who want to take what they haven’t earned. And so, Indra’s envy and resentment towards his brother grew. He was revolted at the existence of someone so perfect, even more so to one whom he owed his succession to, as well as his loyalty.

On his father’s death bed, his betrayal was set. As his father made the only sane choice for succession, Indra, the CLITORVS*MAXIMVS he was, rejected Hagoromo’s decision, and challenged Asura for the title. The battle for the fate of the world was on, between Asura’s benevolent leadership, or Indra’s barbaric tyranny.

Indra began taking the initiative, gaining the advantage over his brother due to his unearned inherited power. Such advantage only lasted for a short while, for Asura, like his father, possessed an almost obsessive drive towards self-improvement, began unleashing his newfound power. Asura won in the most Chad way possible, defeating his “muh stonkest dojutsu in za warudo” brother with the might of his humongous wood …

… techniques.

Utterly defeated, Indra retreated like the coward he was, vowing to bring Asura’s, and his father’s dream’s to come crashing down. What a patricidal cu-

-But let’s not linger on that. For Indra would set out a curse that would strangle the world, and bring it down back to dark age barbarity. For the first time in his life, he worked hard, but not to build, but to destroy. He gave birth to a new, corrupted religion, a parody of the Ninja creed, NINIVTSV.

Seeing this heresy for what it really was, Asura fought all his life to combat the spread of Ninjutsu throughout the world. But the clock was ticking, and the damage became permanent. The years would take their toll on Asura. He would bear worthy heirs that would continue his dream, but he would not see it realized.

Asura died in a doomed world, sinking back into barbarity. His brother, seeing his work finished, died shortly after, leaving his own heirs to inherit his spite. Yeah, imagine that, an actual woman slept with that emo bastard. Don’t think on it too much.

But, that’s enough on Indra and his descendants. More on them later, much more, unfortunately. Back to Asura’s heirs.

Asura’s heirs would be fruitful and multiply. They were forced to partake in the petty wars and clan politics that broke out, in an era that would be as violent as the pre-Kaguya dark-age, the Warring States Period. It was there that they would take the name SENIV, the light for all civilization, and a beacon in a dark world, that was about to get brighter, once more.

The dream called Konoha, was about to be realized.


	2. The Warring States Period

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of irrelevant OC's here boys. Lots of genocide as well, not to mention ninja barbarians. I don't know if Kishi had an explicit history of the Warring States period in Naruto, aside from Hashirama, but don't worry, were getting there.

We've now arrived in the Warring states period, and by DEVS, these were indeed hard times. But hard times, as you'll see, breed hard men.

After Asura's death, and the spread of the corrupted Ninshu, Ninjutsu, this new ninja world was a complete shithole. The Senju had no choice but to adopt this barbaric religion, if only to secure the existence of their people, and a future for their Senju children.

Nations around the world still remained, but they bickered and fought like no tomorrow. Being the lazy room-temp IQ bastards that they were, instead of recruiting and leading their own armies like actual countries, they just hired out the nearest ninja clan to do their dirty work. The Senju, thus became one of many that were hired.

Of course, being the direct descendants of the divine son Asura, the Senju won victory after victory, earning many ninja shekels in the process. But money wouldn't fill the growing hole in the Senju's heart, for the desire for civilization burned deep.

It is in these days that ANEAMA*SENIV was placed in charge of the clan.

With the thankless task of civilizing the world from square one, Aneama took his clan towards the Land of Fire, a wild, uncivilized bare shithole, filled with the worst things imaginable and unimagined, namely, the F*ma clan.

Aneama sent forth ambassadors to try making truce with the F*mas, as well as their client nations, but the Senju's beautiful, eloquent treaties and scrolls made those barbarians hate them even more. Their primitive ooga booga brains couldn't even comprehend the existence of such a perfect civilized peoples. Of course, this lead to resentment, than hatred.

The representatives were massacred, their hands and severed heads sent back as a clear warning. Aneama got the message, loud and clear. But back down, he would not.

He took twelve squads of Senju, while the honorless F*mas fielded twenty four. Crushing them decisively, the F*mas were forced to flee the field, earning Aneama the title FVMVS*MAXIMVS.

Now on more … understanding ground, the F*mas entered a peace treaty with them. Now Aneama could fulfill the dream of peace and happiness and … don't make me laugh.

Not a year later did the F*ma's break their treaty, entering an alliance with the fatso clan, the Ak*michi's. They defeated Senju border control, and threatened the main camp, only for a Senju general by the name of SCIPMA to counter and drive them off.

Settling a feud with the fat bastards by giving away some of their food, there lay only one final solution for the F*ma question, and the answer came easy for a Senju tribesman by the name of CATMA.

You see, ever since he was a young man, ever since he was a boy, heck, ever since he was in his mother's womb, Catma held a massive hatred for F*mas, ending all his declarations with "The F*ma's must be destroyed!"

This of course, made him pretty popular.

And so, when the time came that the F*ma's threw another border dispute, Catma and Scipma where too happy to oblige, taking 15 squads with them. Surrounding the F*ma's encampment, the Senju's were poised for their final victory over them. And that day would be marked red from the blood of the F*mas

* 15,000 F*ma's were killed

* Their children were captured, sold off to other nations, or brought into the clan to see if they could be civilized

* The majority of their woman were also captive, to see if the F*ma's fucked up genetics could ever be fixed with divine Senju semen

* Their bare wasteland of an encampment was hit hard with major Senju wood, turning into a forest.

FVMA*DELENDA*EST

Such was their destruction, that the Fumas fled, utterly cucked out of their lands. The only thing of worth that remained were their salty tears, quenching the victorious Senju soldiers.

It is with the wooding of the Fuma's that brought Scipma great honor, so much that Aneama named him his heir. And quite fortunate, as Aeneama would contract a disease that had him lethally shit his pants for the last years of his life. Thus, when the deadly turds became too much, Scipma obtained leadership.

Under Scipma, the Senju would acquire new enemies, and thus, new victims of Senju military might. The Akamichi clan, fresh out of Senju bacon, declared hostilities, and were immediately crushed. The madman Scipma even demanded that the warlord that hired the Ak*michi's be immediately deposed for his wanton abuse of fat people.

This deposition caught the attention of another powerful barbaric clan. However, unlike those before, they proved to be a match for the Senju's. Upon first encounter, the Senju trembled with fear, for they could sense an aspect of divine lineage. For these were the descendants of the irrelevant Homura. The Hy*ga clan, were the newest challenge to the Senju.

Knowing the threat they possessed, despite their irrelevant progenitor, Scipma rushed into battle, heading off the first Hy*ga incursion. He initially gained the upper hand, the new forests of the Senju's proving to provide them the terrain advantage. But as their leader came forth, Scipma knew such an advantage would not last long. H*nnibaru Hy*ga, the one-eyed madman, enacted a time-honored Hy*ga tradition.

Several enemy squads flanked the Senju's enveloping their position. Using gentle fist faggotry, the Hyuga's cut off the Senju's use of chakra. As Scipma attempted to rally his troops, he was struck in the heart with a gentle fist, courtesy of Hannibaru. Scipma was dead before he hit the ground.

Leaderless, the remaining Senju warriors lost morale, and were slaughtered one by one. Half of the Senju military might was lost, and Hannibaru had no one to stop him.

With the intent to establish the H*ga's relevancy once and for all, and throw off Homura's curse, Hannibaru, the madman, marched through forests and rivers, before reaching the Senju encampment. He sacked it, causing a diaspora, scattering the survivors. A few would make it as far as the Hidden Eddy village, where their contribution to civilization would go down in the history books.

But more on them later.

Now for the Senju's, everything has gone to shit. Their encampment gone, their members scattered, and even worse, they lost to irrelevant shitbags like the Hy*gas.

It was in this absolute cluster, that our hero was born, named AFRIKANMA*SENJV. The first and only son of Scipma, he was determined to kill a certain someone, and restore his clan.

Ha! As if! That sort of faggotry's only reserved for the most barbaric of fools. Instead, Scipma would focus on slowly rebuilding and restructuring the Senju, making them battle ready for their next fight.

And what better way to civilize, than to organize. Therefore, Afrikanma would introduce the reforms of modern imagination. Gone were the leaders, tribesman, and their disorganized footsoldiers.

At the bottom were the GENIN. Cannon fodder and worthless gurnts

Above them were the CHVNIN, small squad leaders, and generally competent.

At the top were IONIN, elite warriors who took on specialized roles.

Afrikanma wanted to give a special title to himself, but he couldn't think of anything creative. With fresh crisp organization, and optimized delegation, the Senju were able to win their battles handily, defeating and utterly scaring the Y*manaka, the N*ra, and the Ak*michi fatso's again, making them all squeal like pigs.

Now battle-tested with his new reforms, the Senju stormed back to the land of fire, and Hannibaru was waiting. They fought on the Kannae plains.

Afrikanma lead a charge full of Genin and Chunin, driving the Hy*ga's back. But as he pressed on, the Hyuga lines slowly enveloped the Senju, dooming Afrikanma to another humiliating defeat.

That was, until Afrikanma's hidden Jonin unit burst from the ground, entrapping the Hy*ga's in Senju wood. It was near the conclusion of the battle, that Hannibaru was killed by a young prodigy, a man named BVTSAMA.

With their madman dead, the Hy*gas retreated, forcing them back into irrelevancy, where they belonged.

Witnessing the might of the Senju, the states employing the rival cities employed a temporary treaty, for they knew whoever caught the Senju's favor would be sure to win the next war. And for a brief period, the area encountered a brief era of peace, and a hope that someday, this shitty era would be at an end.

But, all good things come to an end with the arrival of another clan to the area. A clan steeped in the barbaric practice of Ninjutsu. A people possessed by hatred and loathing for everyone, even themselves. Afrikanma could smell the degenerate legacy of Indra from his own encampment. The Uch*ha, had arrived in the Land of Fire.

For so long theywere consumed in their whiny emo ways. So much so, that Indra's RINNEGAN, the only power he had which was worth something, was long gone. The honorless Uch*has could only make use of its corrupted progeny, the Sh*ringan.

Rapidly, did Uch*ha conquest begin, beating off several rival clans. While weakened, their Sh*ringans provided them an edge in battle, able to read Ninjutsu before their enemy could even cast it. And, as they conquered, the casualties kept on piling high.

Knowing that the evil of Indra was at their doorstep, Afrikanma sensed an opportunity. If he could civilize these monsters, then there would be nothing to stop the Senju for reinstating the rightful reign of Ninshu on the world, and fulfilling Asura's legacy.

He attempted to set up treaties with the Uch*ha's twice, but both negotiations broke down. No mystery as to why. There was no convincing the Uch*ha traitors of the inherent good of civilization, of establishing law and order, and of building things, not destroying them. His efforts were futile, for to abandon their "ooga-booga me strongest in the world" ways was akin to committing suicide. If only.

Butsama, who had risen through the ranks to become Afrikanma's right hand man, was of a different mind. Throughout the countless negotiations, and battles, he began to understand their true nature. There would be no peace between them, but as for the solution, he had none. The Uch*ha question would plague him to his grave.

But still, Afrikanma did persist, and after winning a decisive engagement with the Uchiha's, in which nearly 10,000 lay dead on either side, did their demonic leader offer a truce. A joint exercise between the two rival clans was scheduled, and Afrikanma began to hope that one day, the two clans would understand the other.

His first and final mistake.

As the two groups set off, each suspicious of the other, the Uch*ha's, surprise surprise, stabbed them in the back. They cast their evil Sharingan magic on the Senju, lulling them into a Genjutsu. Afrikanma, was one of the many. They were subjugated through the greatest mental and physical tortures, each breaking one by one.

Afrikanma was the last to break. His final words would haunt the halls of history.

" _We were your brothers! Your kin! Is such fratricide a mere formality to you?"_

My dearest pleb, we all know the answer.

Receiving the news was Butsama, who was swiftly promoted to lead the Senju. By then, he knew that there was only one answer to the question that had burned in his mind. Only the complete destruction of the Uch*ha clan would guarantee peace. And so he set out with one mission.

He ran a massive revenge campaign, utterly decimating the Uchiha front. Other clans, he either dismissed, or even allied with. For he would hold nothing in his heart, but disdain for Uch*has.

Aside from his utterly righteous hatred of the Uch*has, Butsama was a dutiful family man, siring many children. But only two would survive into manhood. The youngest shared his views and would continue his dream, going by the name of TOBIRAMA.

But it was his elder son who would change the world forever. Ciao ciao.


End file.
